If you’re like many singles searching for a better way to date, you might be doing so with the goal of getting married and having kids – in that order. Usually we see people thinking seriously about this around age 30–38. When asked when they plan to start a family, a typical dater will say within the next couple years. However, this aspiration often clashes with the reality of the average relationship timeline. After talking through each relationship milestone leading to a family, many singles will adjust their number to 5 years – which is still pretty quick to get through all the steps required. Let’s walk through an idealized timeline from dating to having kids, and discuss what you can do if you too find yourself having similar expectations.
Unveiling the Average Timeline
The typical journey from singlehood to parenthood averages 5–7 years. Let's walk through the stages involved:
Finding your partner: For the sake of simplicity, let’s say we’re extremely optimistic and you meet your lifelong partner today.
Moving in together: Most people want to date for around 1 year before moving in together. This assumes you’re getting along swimmingly and you’re both in a position where moving in makes sense.
Getting engaged: Most couples prefer to live together for 1 year before they get engaged.
Getting married: Weddings usually take place 9–18 months after engagement, averaging about 1 year. Venues are booked months out and guests need advance notice.
Getting pregnant: Finally, after you tie the knot, many married couples take an average of 6 months to get pregnant – more if you’re older (35+). Then add on 10 months before you deliver your baby.
That brings us to a total of 4.5 years if everything follows an average timeline without any bumps along the way and you meet the love of your life today. This also assumes you will have built a strong enough relationship foundation to go from meeting to moving in together in 1 year, which is a challenge in itself. Maybe you’re one of the lucky ones and/or have done plenty of therapy, and for you 1 year is a realistic expectation.
Again, in the above scenario you’re lucky enough to be meeting your betrothed today. In reality, many of today’s singles prefer to date multiple people before choosing the best one. And some of those dates may turn into short (or long-term) relationships from which you hope to learn from your mistakes and apply your learnings to your next relationship, a cycle which consumes even more time and energy.
So, what can you do if you’re worried about being too optimistic about your personal timeline?
Navigating the Gap
First of all, don’t panic. You’re in good company. Here are some realistic options for how to bridge this expectation gap:
1. Acceptance: Be OK with reaching your goal later than you had envisioned.
This is an option that is definitely easier said than done, but acceptance can bring a great amount of relief and benefit to your mental health. There are many valid and happy pathways in life, perhaps some that don’t even involve having children. Certainly, you’ll want to make peace with where you currently are but what if you don’t want to accept a longer timeline? Explore other options below to see how you can increase your chances of meeting your goal on the timeline you desire.
2. Be less picky: Take a look at your standards.
There are a couple of approaches you can take regarding your standards for a partner. You might need to self-reflect to reassess the expectations you have for potential partners, or you might need to reprioritize the qualities you’re looking for in a good life partner. How will you know what you should adjust? Try asking your family, looking to friends, or working with a matchmaker to give you their two cents.
Are you expecting too much? It’s easy to get mired in all of the available options on dating apps, especially those who swiped right on you – they must like you! This could encourage an inflated sense of self-worth, making someone hold out for the perfect partner who is a 9 out of 10 on the looks scale.
Are you prioritizing qualities not congruent with a life partner? It’s easy to be attracted to someone who is exciting. They’re really funny, the life of the party, a huge traveler, and have tons of hobbies. While some of these are wonderful qualities in a life partner, having several or all of them can indicate that a person is not ready or does not have room in their life to build a meaningful relationship. Especially if you’re looking for someone to raise children with, you’d want someone reliable and stable.
3. Be more open-minded: Give people a chance.
Have you ever had a pretty good first date but the other person said a couple things that made you think you aren’t compatible? When you’re online dating, you’re constantly looking for ways to filter down to the right person, so when you hear anything less than ideal it’s an easy rejection. You have 10 other people you’re chatting with who are filled with possibility!
Try to increase your margin of error in assuming the person’s core is reflected by a couple of comments uttered on a first date. We’re not suggesting you overlook glaring disrespect, but you could dial down the judgment and replace it with curiosity. Did they actually mean what you think they meant? A second date could be a great time to find out!
4. Meet in person: Change the way you date.
Online dating gives people the illusion of unlimited options as well as creates the marketplace mentality of human connection. This does not set you up for success in seeing each person as a real possibility. The best way to find out if you could have a connection is to meet in person. Here are some ways to meet more people in person:
Attend some social events. Join a hiking group, a sports club, etc.
Check out speed dating events or singles mixers.
Work with a matchmaker. There are all types of matchmakers you could work with – from the elite, like It’s Just Lunch, to ones that know the local dating scene, like ValleyMatch.
Increase your social network and ask friends of friends to set you up.
5. Extend the biological clock: Fertility preservation.
Another option that is gaining popularity is to turn to science. This lever is more common for women. Men who want children find themselves open to dating an older woman when they find out she has gone through fertility preservation treatment. Their reasoning? They don’t want the pressure of rushing into a relationship because of her biological clock.
Ready to Stop Procrastinating?
Did reading this give you more or less anxiety about your timeline? If you’re feeling even more pressure, our number 1 piece of advice is to take action today. That’s because the #1 delay in the relationship timeline is procrastination.
Are you in Northern California and want someone else to do the work of setting you up on in-person dates? Check out ValleyMatch and let us do the work of putting someone in front of you.